The Colbert Report: The Word on Gun Control
by TheInhibitor
Summary: Making use of Biblical history, Stephen Colbert presents his plan to prove that gun control is wrong and balance the federal budget, even while proposing a contingency plan in case Quebec invades and letting Barbra Streisand live.


This most recent mass killing involving firearms in [FILL IN THE BLANK] has sparked more of the usual moronic, liberal arguments for gun control. Which brings me to tonight's "Word".

Let me be clear: Guns don't kill people. The bullets that people fire from guns kill people.

And before you try to rebut me by pointing out that those bullets would be far less deadly if people didn't have the guns that send the bullets hurtling at the speed of sound toward pliable human flesh, allow me to point out a fundamental conservative truth: People were killing people long before guns existed. In fact, people have been killing each other all the way back to Biblical times when Cain beat Abel to death with his gun repair kit.

Yes, in fact, the gun repair kit was invented before the actual gun. Cain invented it, and Abel made some snarky comment about how useless it was to invent a gun repair kit with no guns to repair, and the rest is Biblical history.

The point is, people were killing one another before guns existed, and - the good Lord willing - people will go on killing one another long after we have all reached our final destination in the afterlife.

Mostly, these killings will be the result of myself and other decent, saved Christians standing atop Heaven and firing down on the godless heathen who inhabit Hell as part of our Easter / Fourth of July / Cinco de Mayo celebration. And, naturally, in Heaven, every day is Easter, the Fourth of July, and Cinco de Mayo all rolled into one.

But, alas, those happy days are not yet here, and the faithful will have to be patient and wait an undetermined period of time until December 22nd, 2012, when the world finally ends.

Which brings me to another conservative truth: You can't stop people from killing one another. Banning guns will only force people to resort to other implements to commit murder, such as kitchen knives, frying pans, and ABC's "The Neighbors", which was recently estimated by the Pentagon to have an effective kill radius of any movie from 2003 starring Ben Affleck. Yes, that includes 'Paycheck', 'Daredevil', and 'Gigli'.

Face it, you can't stop someone if they really want to kill someone else. They're going to find a way to do it.

I am willing to concede that this apparently means I don't really want to kill Barbra Streisand as much as I've let on, particularly at last year's annual "I Want to Kill Barbra Streisand Holiday Parade". Perhaps, this is because one of my greatest guilty pleasures is her 2005 album, "Guilty Pleasures" with the BeeGee's Barry Gibb.

But, nonetheless, it is true that people will find a way to kill the folks that they want to kill, and banning guns will do nothing to lower the murder rate. Without access to guns, people will simply concoct a work-around and find another way to do it using any common kitchen implement, such as a steak knife, steamer basket, or cheese grater.

Humanity over the last 500 years adopted guns not because they were more effective at killing people, but because they're stylish and without them holsters just look stupid. Am I right?

Now, I know what you gun-hating, progressive Luddites - or, as I more efficiently refer to you: "proglodytes" - I know what you proglodytes are thinking: "Gosh, Stephen, if kitchen knives are really just as deadly as guns, if it's just as easy to kill someone with a knife as a gun, well, then why don't we outfit our military with cutlery?"

To that sort of nonsense, I reply: Get out of my head, you bloated, bath-taking, Perrier-sucking progpotamusses, that's _**exactly**_ what I'm thinking.

Today, I declare that we should balance the federal books by eliminating our overblown $700 billion dollar annual defense budget in favor of a simple, one-time $100 million purchase of Ginsu steak knives, one for each member of the active-duty military.

And to those of you who suggest that our military won't be able to defend this country without the use of machine guns, tanks, laser-guided missiles, aircraft carriers and nuclear warheads, I say to you: How _**dare**_ you question the patriotism and the resourcefulness of our noble fighting men and women? How dare you belittle their commitment to defend their country? How dare you suggest that they can't protect America armed with nothing more than a kitchen knife and a loin cloth?

At long last, have you left no sense of decency?

America, that is my plan, not just for national defense, but to once and for all to settle gun control's hash. When everyone sees that the country is just as effectively defended with kitchen knives, it will demonstrate that guns are no more deadly than mail-order cutlery, which will in turn prove that banning them is pointless.

If, on the other hand, I'm wrong and the nation's defenses are so fundamentally impaired that we are overrun by Quebec, let me say ahead of time: Je suis vraiment désolé. Mai je suppose que j'ai bu trop de vin.

But, regardless of how much money I may have hedged in the futures market for maple syrup, I highly doubt that any of that will come to pass.

Ladies and gentleman, guns are part of the American panorama. They're no more deadly than anything else that is American, such as apple pie, the Stars and Stripes, or unmanned ariel drones. They are ingrained in who we are. You, as Americans, cannot even conceive of a world without guns.

Which, in conclusion, brings me to one last incontrovertible conservative truth: If guns didn't exist, man would have to invent them.

Take that, liberal conventional wisdom.

And that's "The Word", we'll be right back.


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